Dominos

I just ordered a pizza on my mobile from Domino’s.  According to my fancy virtual “Order Tracker,” some pizza pusher named Derek put it in the oven at 9:12.  Oh, wait a minute.  That crazy bastard Derek then checked my pizza for deliciousness at 9:18.  The deliciousness checks are now complete.  But I don’t know if that means he stuck his finger or his dick in it.

How is the fuck is the  Internet keeping track of the progress of my pizza?  I can’t believe it can be cooked this quick with him continually updating its Pizzafacebook status so regularly.

I’ve become a little worried about Derek.  It’s now 9:23, and he hasn’t told me what’s going on.  He hasn’t asked me to repost his deliciousness check, or if I’ve ever eaten a delicious pizza cooked by someone who’s name started with the letter D.  He hasn’t posted any video of my pizza cooking, being taken out of the oven or put in a box.  And I haven’t got any invitations to Deliveryville or Pie Wars.  I mean, he could at least send me something saying my pizza went into the oven with a whole bunch of other pizzas that are now trying to get back together after graduating from High Temp High.

The progress of my pizza has now officially stalled at Step 4 on the pizza meter.  Step 5 is the last step left, but it’s a doozy.

Wait a minute.  My phone just updated and it appears Derek is still telling everyone my pizza was checked out to be delicous at 9:18.

Hell yeah!  It’s 9:30 and some dude named Kevin “just left the store” with my order.  I’m glad Derek suggested that Kevin and I meet.  I’m sure he is a nice guy.  I can’t wait till he gets here.  I have so many questions the website doesn’t address.  What flavor automobile does he drive?  How many stains will his uniform have on it?  Will his hair be long and greasy, or short and sparse?  What will he think about the fact I’m wearing my wife’s pajama pants, an Angry Birds t-shirt from Asda and my Halloween costume Big Lebowski robe?  The suspense is fucking killing me.  It’s now been five minutes since my order left the store, and I only live 1.9 miles from this particular Domino’s.  Should I call 911?  I lost the number for the Pizza Police.

Thank whoever.  Kevin showed up with my pie at 9:40.  He was about 5’6″ with a mustache that had a Mr. Bubble’s vibe.  He bought a pair of glasses, but was obviously wearing the free ones.  Kevin took pride in his appearance and did not have any visible stains, wrinkles, moth holes or Taser marks.  Kevin was very professional, cordial and gave me some type of coupon I lost instantaneously.  The last update of the website didn’t mention I discounted the value of the coupon.

All in all, I’d recommend sitting on your fat arse and using your phone to order a pizza.  You don’t actually have to talk to anyone.  You can see what you’re ordering.  Some random motherfucker you’ve never heard of keeps you up to date on all the goings on of your pizza.  It’s like a paid acquaintance is making you a short-term friend who will help get you through your temporary pang of hunger.  Then, just as soon as whoever told you they were making it, whoever else brought you the labor of your texting, it’s gone.  You fucking ate it.  Great experience.  Just hope that your fingers aren’t too fucking fat and greasy to enjoy it.