Tesco

I do my shopping on-line. Its quicker, easier and cheaper than trapsing around a store, and is has the added bonus of not mingling with the generaql population whom i detest.

Anyway, I ordered my shopping yesterday afternoon to be delivered today with Tesco,  between the hours of 7 and 9. It is now 9.55, and i am still waiting for my fucking delivery

I rang up the customer service desk to enquire as to where my shopping is, and after spelling my name out SIX FUCKING TIMES to a daft welsh twat, I was informed they would ring the driver and get back to me ASAP. This was over half an hour ago.

If there is one thing i hate, it is being kept waiting. I've shopped online plenty of times and online encountered such a wait once before, but this takes the fucking biscuit.

VAT and Delivery prices

The biggest culprits for the type of misleading bullshit are internet based companies although there are a few bricks and mortar companies who also do this. I am of course talking about the “wow what a great price” factor when you are browsing products in an online shop.

You know the ones – you find a product you wanted at a fantastic price and begin the checkout process only to discover that the price you were so pleased with is pre-VAT and delivery charges. Of course the worst part of it is that in most cases the delivery charge is so high that you will end up paying as much or even more than the regular shops you looked at first. This is particularly a common factor on Amazon.

Dominos

I just ordered a pizza on my mobile from Domino’s.  According to my fancy virtual “Order Tracker,” some pizza pusher named Derek put it in the oven at 9:12.  Oh, wait a minute.  That crazy bastard Derek then checked my pizza for deliciousness at 9:18.  The deliciousness checks are now complete.  But I don’t know if that means he stuck his finger or his dick in it.

How is the fuck is the  Internet keeping track of the progress of my pizza?  I can’t believe it can be cooked this quick with him continually updating its Pizzafacebook status so regularly.

I’ve become a little worried about Derek.  It’s now 9:23, and he hasn’t told me what’s going on.  He hasn’t asked me to repost his deliciousness check, or if I’ve ever eaten a delicious pizza cooked by someone who’s name started with the letter D.  He hasn’t posted any video of my pizza cooking, being taken out of the oven or put in a box.  And I haven’t got any invitations to Deliveryville or Pie Wars.  I mean, he could at least send me something saying my pizza went into the oven with a whole bunch of other pizzas that are now trying to get back together after graduating from High Temp High.

Mothers!

So here I am eating lunch a few weeks back at Hut 4, (one of the worst fucking place on  earth to eat but its the only place at Bletchley Park). I sit on the patio, enjoying the gorgeous Enlish sun and probably the worst cheese sandwich I’ve had eons when two very well dressed ladies (maybe in their late 30’s, I guess) with oversized buggys arrive and take the table next to me. By their appearance, they gave the impression of bored, wealthy, Surrey housewives trying to be lower class chic and eating with the “regular folk”, but then I thought maybe I’m wrong and I shouldn’t judge.

Well my assumption was right and they spend what seems like an eternity taking turns campaigning for how “special” their precious little wonder of life is and all the accomplishments their one year old has made (considering they can’t walk or talk and constantly shit themselves.)

Plastic Bags!

Some bright spark had the very dim idea of getting once-usable plastic bags banned where I live!

To you, Mr Your Idea Everyone Else's Responsibility; Now I will have to go and buy some black bin bags the same size as fucking supermarket bags to put in my inside rubbish bin. My point being is; what have you actually achieved? Black bags take a damn site fucking longer to degrade then supermarket bags! Supermarket bags take 4/5 years to disappear (FACT) whereas black bin bags (a lot thicker), well there always seems to be one in the ground every time I do a bit of gardening! Catch my drift? Twat!

I don't mind  buying these AND the cotton bags I 'must' use now when shopping just to fulfill your Insecurity but come on mate, your just being a pain in the fucking arse! 

For the record Tim Nice But Dim, the cotton bags' carbon footprint is more then plastic bags! Though I suppose you own the cotton bag factory and there's been a big fat envelope passed over.

Why don't you do some real Eco work? Why don't you chase the big corps who have destroyed the world and encouraged societies current way of life, why don't you bang on the door of the corrupt for your insecurities and get the publicity you need? Nah, you won't be doing that will you!