Spell Chek

I got google chrome not to long ago after firefox blew up with how much music I was downloading. It was screaming and on fire telling me just to uninstall it, but I didn’t and watched it in pain as I could hear the program straining to open fucking facebook. Then firefox just uninstalled itself, which is by the way the closest thing you can get to program suicide. 

So I opened internet explorer which is collecting dust in my computer and was so excited that someone wanted to open it, it crashed so I had to re-open it and I downloaded chrome. Well back to the back of my computer internet explorer, so you my grow old and die alone. O, getting dark here, anyways chrome has spell check which is so monumentally fucking amazing that I shit my pants when I saw the little squiggly red line show up underneath a mistyped “Massachusetts” . I thought that my computer was possessed by an evil grammar demon, so I immediately closed the internet and threw holy water on my computer.

 I thought it was blasphemy (I mistyped that word and chrome just spell checked it for me!) This whole functionality is like it was created by Einstein…from the future…who is also a robot! Fuck it, its sick. I can go on facebook attempt to make a status that is memorable or at least funny(which is no small task) and I don’t have to have some douche bag who comments in 20 seconds saying the correct word with an * next to it. 

Like people who correct what your saying while your fucking talking. “me and Jake…” “JAKE AND I!!!!” “I will tear your fucking tongue out.” “HA, I totally just called you on that, hehe continue” “I will slap you with your own uterus…Phill” Pisses me off.

Christmas 2

Is there another war being declared, of which I am not privy?  Has the government voted to take up arms against another enemy who threatens our very existence?  Who is attacking us?  Where are they from?  Why do we need an enemy to make us whole?  We’ve pretty much declared war on everyone else on the globe, so who are we going after now?  Oh yea…Christmas.

Someone needs to explain to my why, every year, Christian Conservatives and BBC news get their panties in a bunch and declare there is a war on Christmas.  What war?  Who are the Christmas haters out there who have taken on the Grinch banner and decided that we must demolish the holiday?  These people are obviously anti-Christian.  I mean…they hate Christmas trees, and presents, and Shopping.  Very Un-British!  They’re Pagans!  How dare they hinder the purchase of my new Xbox 360 to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Christmas

It's time for the "Merry Christmas" vs "Happy Holidays" fight to come back into focus. The cry of "I'm taking Christmas back" rings louder that the bell of the Salvation Army Santa and brings a bigger response.  What is it with all you people and your determination to make Christmas last as long as fucking possible?! For Fucks sake were in early November!

When I was a kid in the 70s, Christmas was about being with family and eating a goose, coming home for the holidays and getting pissed on dads brown ale.

Nowadays, it's all about stupid TV commercials and hearing bastardizations of "Jingle Bells" with the lyrics changed to variations of "Buy shit you don't need, for people you don't love... All your hard earned money, give it all to us...blah, blah, blah" OH FUCK OFF

And this starts BEFORE WE HAVE EVEN HAD HALLOWEEN! FUCK!!!

My missus listens to the radio all day long on the station that plays Christmas songs all fucking day long.

It almost makes me want to blow up a shopping center and feed every last one of those cheesy, smiling "whore/actor/models" into a industrial meat mincer feet first so I can hear how they sing while they're being ground into cheesy, smiling Christmas whore paste.

Seriously, now i've pissed over your yule log, all that's left to say is fuck Christmas! 

Fireworks

If you live in the UK you’ll know that the 5th of November is bonfire night, a night where something gets set on fire and then fireworks go off to celebrate a failed terrorist attack on parliament. While to most people this seems like fun, I personally FUCKING HATE it!

I hate fireworks for one because they are a huge waste of money; most people don’t understand this because the council pay for large fireworks shows, but they use tax money and I personally think that the money used for fireworks in one night could be used for something more long-term instead. The trouble is, it isn't just 1 noght now is it? you can buy the fucking things all year round. The Neighbors from hell have been setting the bloody things off for days now, which in turn sets off their fucking dogs yapping all the more

What is there to gain from fireworks anyway? You just look at pretty colours in the sky for ten minutes and then go home; they don’t excite me or make me happy in any way. I would like it if there was some kind of explanation about how they worked just so I could gain from the experience.

Strangely I don’t even like standing on a cold, muddy field with hundreds of other people getting pushed, shoved and crammed into a tight space just to see lights in the sky, I’d rather go and see a film at the cinema, that way I pay for a nice comfy seat, two hours of entertainment and I gain knowledge from it. I bet the majority of people couldn’t tell me what the last firework looked like.

If there was live music, some decent food stands and less people/a better venue I would probably love it, or better yet a big screen with video of fireworks projected onto it, some seats and then a showing of Star Wars, just add some bacon to the mix and it is a perfect night out for me!

Can someone please tell me why they like fireworks without using the words “pretty”, “colours”, “bang” and “sky”!?

While fireworks themselves don’t appeal to me I must say I like seeing my friends and getting food afterwards (this year it was Subway!) and I would love to go to the fireworks show if there were no fireworks… or a show.

Anyway enough ranting about fireworks, tell me your opinion on fireworks in the comments below or tell me about an event you think is pointless and stupid.