Stupid fucking people

Reading the newspaper today, The Independent. I came across some articles that really pissed me off. To start with, there was an article on Morrissey (ex singer of The Smiths). I admire his work and love many of his songs and he is of course famous for being a severe misery with his genuine observations of everyday life. He is also a very staunch campaigner against animal rights. Fine. But… This is the giant turd that came out of his mouth during a recent concert in Warsaw:

"We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead. Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried shit every day.

Television Adverts 3

The final installment of my gripes with Television adverts for now features MOST ANNOYING FUCKING ADVERT IN HISTORY

AOL Advert most
annoying in History 

What is the most annoying advert in history? An advert so bad that you remember it long after it has ceased being shown. My candidate has to be the AOL adverts. At this time the Internet was still a novelty and most people used a dial-up connection to get online.

To some people even connecting to the internet was a techie thing to do. AOL decided that they would guide people with a computerised Mary Poppins character called Connie that would appear, uninvited, in your house and take control of your computer. Much like the annoying bastard paperclip, ‘Clippy’ that used to appear when you began to type anything in Word except with an annoying bob haircut and whiny voice.

Television Adverts 2

Im sticking to the subject of Television Adverts for a few more posts as I find them to be the most odorous of subjects. Why I pay my fucking tv lisence ill never know

One series of adverts that is rapidly starting to get on my nerves are the Halifax adverts. It seems I am not alone. Congratulations on pushing back the boundaries of advertising tyranny.  First we had Howard, bottle lensed bespecticled bank manager, singing about their latest banking products to popular show tunes or something like that. I cannot remember exactly as my mind has repressed those memories.

Now we have a load of retarded,  obese bankers packed into radio studio presenting a show with the inane stupidity that only Radio One can muster. You will get £5 a month if you pay in a thousand pounds every month. Sound like a good deal?  Not so fast. I don’t think this is anything for customers to be raving about as this is an interest rate of 0.5% only on  the first £1000.

Television Adverts

Fuck me, i'd eat this in a roll myself

Today's focus of attention is television adverts. Don't you just find them incredibly fucking senseless and irritating? Take that Cesar dog food advert for example.

People love their pets, especially in the UK. We are a nation of animal lovers but this advert is just taking the piss. It shows an attractive, unexplainably single woman, that devotes what seems to be her entire waking life pandering to the perceived whims of a White West Highland Terrier, all with a loving smile on her face like the dog is her baby.

question one – why hasn’t this apparently successful woman got anything better to do with her life than spend all her time looking after a little white yappy dog?

Funerals

So I go to a lot of funerals. Not because my friends are dying, but because I enjoy hearing the story of a person’s life followed by finger sandwiches.

And lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: funerals are no longer formal affairs. Instead of suit & ties for guys and nice dresses for women, it’s now come as you are. A friend  recently told me, “I can mourn you in any way I want.” 

NO YOU FUCKING CANT!

You WILL mourn me, and mourn me long and hard, the way I say. Heading to the beach to stare at the setting sun and pondering the circle of life is NOT how I will be mourned. So before my number comes up and I’m called to eternal glory where I’ll be greeted by throngs of trumpeting angels, thunderous applause from across the galaxies, and a high five from Patrick Swayze I want to lay down 5 rules for my own funeral.