Let me clue you in. History students are anal-retentive fucks. Well, most of them. The rest of them, me included, have coping mechanisms that basically involve us either screwing off or pissing everyone around us off. Usually both.
Today I am trying to study. There is a ginormous sign on the wall that says no eating. No talking. No cell phone activity. Offenders will be removed, etc, etc. Really scary shit. So I am trying to wrap my mind around The Chemical Basis of Morphogenesis (it's gone) and this bloke sits down next to me at a little study booth. He unpacks. Everyone in the room huffs in annoyance as he settles in. It was the main noise all day. A hundred snotty nosed bastards huffing in frustration at each other, mostly when people came and left.
We are all crabby and on a deadline. The prick next to me pulls OUT AN APPLE AND CRUNCHES INTO IT. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH... people are huffing. People are shooting him so many evil looks that some of them deflected off him and stuck to me, probably because he was hot and I was not.
I turn to him, smile politely, and whisper, "take the fucking apple outside or I am going to beat your ass."
"EXCUUUUUUUSE ME?" he asks.
"SHHHHHHHH!" huffs everyone within 30 feet.
I pointed to the door.
"IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT!" he yawps.
SHHHHH. SHHHHH. SHHHHH. SHHHHH.
I stand up. I am a tall bloke. I have him by a good 6 inches. "TAKE. THE. MOTHERFUCKING. APPLE. OUTSIDE."
He got up and ran outside. he returns with a security guard. I am back to The Chemical Basis of Morphogenesis
"HIM!" he squawks. "HE THREATENED ME!"
Point of information - a security guard at a Museum has little to no power, KNOWS everyone looks down on him, and TAKES ADVANTAGE OF ANY CHANCE TO WIELD HIS SQUIRTGUN.
"I did not threaten him. I threatened his apple."
He hitches up his pants. "I think we have a problem here."
No shit, sherlock. It is statements like that that are the reason I am on THIS side of that uniform and you are on THAT side.
"Go eat a donut. Take the prick with you so he can eat his apple. BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP SO THE REST OF US CAN STUDY!"
Everyone clapped - and then immediately shooshed each other for clapping.
Silence. The security guard tries to stare me down. THAT's gonna happen. Little Lord Snot informs me he is going to "report me". I have no idea what that means. I may get sent to the Managers office. Do we have a Manager on site? Security guard, also shorter than me, hisses that if he has to come back, he is going to forcefully remove me. I start laughing. Someone oinks. My first thought was that it was a veiled insult about my extra ten. Then I realized, no, everyone was on my side. Security guard goes over and starts fucking with the oinker. Someone else oinks. Someone else stretches and cracks a knuckle and is immediately and forcefully shooshed.
Little Lord Snot loudly gets his shit and moves. I guess I had B.O. or something.
He sat down across the library, PULLED OUT HIS PHONE AND CALLED HIS FRIEND TO TELL HER WHAT A BASTARD I WAS. Ahhhh, you should have heard the huffing and shishing. My friend and beer buddie came on shift at the front desk. He had him tossed.
I still have no idea what The Chemical Basis of Morphogenesis is, and my head hurts.
But yes, I am still winning friends and influencing people and spreading joy wherever I go.
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