Darwin!

My Fucking God but some people have idiotic conversations right outside of my office door.

This morning three visitors bantered for fifteen minutes about how one of them hadn't brought his backpack to the museum that day. It was surreal, because if you didn't know English, then from their tones of voices you might think they were being incredibly witty, tossing clever bon mots (sp?) back and forth. But beneath that tone was a content so unclever and pedestrian, that I feel guilty associating it with run of the mill unclever pedestrianness.

It was the conversational equivalent of all of those "Scary Movie" type movies that don't really contain anything funny but mimic enough tropes associated with funny cinematic moments that the audience is fooled. How common is this kind of bullshit?

I know, I know, the content is not the point, the whole fucking point is rather some Darwinian signalling thing concerning reproduction, and in fact they could have accomplished the same by cheeping at each other.

But this is why Darwin fucking sucks. I would much prefer listening to people cheep at one another than to this shit.

Telesales

Ok, there is nothing new about cold calls, despite the fact we all hate them, despite the fact we are rude to the callers they still keep calling. It's a fact of life and that's that. What upsets me is the lack of inventiveness to the callers these days. i just got off the phone to one, you know they type:

"Helloooooo, we are doing a survey"
yeeess
"don't worry we are not selling anything"
uhhuh
"I just wanted to ask 2 simple questions"
ahhhhh


"As an incentive you may win a FREE gift voucher"
Ooooooo - ok then, go ahead
"Do you own your own home?"
Errrrrrrr - yes (It's a vanity thing, you have to admit it, don't you?)
"Great! Now, second question, if you could replace your kitchen, bathroom for FREE which would you pick..........?

Follow Directgov on Twitter!

Oh boy! I am thrilled to pieces! Tickled, ecstatic, overwhelmed! Today is the best day ever!

Why you ask?

Because I get to follow Directgov, the UK government's digital service for people in England and Wales on Twitter!

Yay! This really made my day.

Modern Music

I’ve been travelling in a car quite a bit these days. While playing music on the stereo, we typically choose one of two channels. The first one has all the modern songs – latest billboard hits and the like. The second channel is devoted to older songs. I’ve spend a fair amount of time listening to both and the conclusion I’ve reached is this: English music  these days is utter crap. I thought I might be biased, so I visited the official billboard page and listened to the so called hit numbers with an open mind. Turns out I was right.

Modern Music Fucking Sucks

The first thing that strikes me is the beat. It seems every single fucking English song today is made for dancing in a disc. No slow music. No melody. Everything has a sort of heavy beat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – not at all. But there’s no variety. No blues, and no slow dance songs.

My second complaint is the subject of the songs. Without exception, they’re either about love, dancing, partying, or rap. Again, nothing wrong with those songs. Heck, love songs pretty much dominated my growing up years. But again, what pisses me off is that there’s nothing new. Not so long ago, there were songs which dealt with everything ranging from general angst and meaning in life (What if God was one of us), to how the radio is being replaced by TV (Radio Ga Ga.) Songs celebrating the life of artists (Vincent) and Enya’s awesome “Only time” are a few more examples of music dealing with a wide variety of issues.

You can’t be there? Who gives a shit?

We’ve all seen the invites to parties or events through evite or fucking facebook events in which a good portion of the respondents feel the compulsion to tell everyone on the event list that they can’t make it and exactly why they can’t make it.

UK drivers

UK drivers please note: if you are driving in fog and you can see me in your rear view mirror, it is entirely unfuckingnecessary to have your rear fog lights on. By doing so you are only obscuring your brake lights and seriously pissing me off. It is actually an offence to have front (aka "driver's lights") or rear fog lights on unless there is severely reduced visibility - i.e. NOT just a light wisp of mist or just generally a tad murky.

And, whilst I'm on the subject, could you also please use your directional indications as intended, especially if I am riding a motorbike. Do I look like fucking  Mystic Meg?

Would you all please swot up on the Highway Code immediately. I shall be testing you later.

Sincerely, fuck it!

I was about to put this in the literature section of my blog but then I remembered this shit is not literature.

I cannot believe that shit has sold over a million copies and a movie is going to be made out of it. Oh wait, I forgot people suck, yeah, I can believe it. It still does not deserve to happen!

Fuck Stephanie Meyer. Who the fuck does the cunt think she is making playlists for BOOKS!!

The bitch had already believed her idiotic story would be so good it deserved a movie. "Oh my book is so good and it will have a playlist even though books don't have soundtracks and I'll put all the best music ever like Evanescence and My Chemical Romanbe."

Honestly, fuck her. She's thirty four years old with the mentality of a fifteen year old and this is what makes her famous: the fact that she never grew up so she can be angsty as fuck and people will think she's just appealing to teenagers.

Whoever likes Twilight is either:

a twelve year old that masturbates to linkin' park

or a shallow self-centered diva wannabe that just like Bella feels she deserves a perfect "superhuman" boyfriend to have an sickeningly dependent relationship to which she does not need to contribute anything.

Stupid road signs

I was driving around last night because that’s what you do in Bletchley and I noticed something ridiculous when I was driving past the football stadium. Off to the right, I noticed a caution sign with the words “SLOW TRUCKS”. I presume that this was to warn people of slow trucks because it was on a hill and trucks would be slow going up the hill.

Well, no fucking kidding. Am I a fucking two year old? I realize that there will be a reduction in speed when big ass vehicles are moving up hill. I don’t need a taxpayer-sponsored sheet of metal to tell me what’s blatantly fucking obvious. Oh maybe some dickhead thought that a sign would be a better warning for slow trucks than actually seeing big ass slow trucks in front of me. What the fuck is a sign going to tell me that reality won’t in that case?

The Sims

If there is one thing I don’t get, it is that fucking SIMS game. Why do people become obsessed with this piece of shit? I have a friend who has gone into a trance with that stupid game. She has turned into a mindless zombie. All she does is stare at the computer and drool. What is the purpose of this game? I mean what is it, to ruin people’s lives? No of course not, they are simulated  people. Big fucking deal they don’t even talk in a coherant language and that is really fucking annoying in itself. You have to take care of them all the time. If they are simulated shouldn’t they take care of themselves? The people are sick looking anyway. I mean let’s say you are by some chance playing the game, and your person is all of the sudden on fire in the kitchen because they can’t even cook their fucking dinner.

The Future’s $H!T, The Future’s Orange

This happened a while back, but it still makes my blood boil when I think about it, so that makes it worth a Rant in my book. Get yourself a coffee – it’s a long one!

A year or so back, I was trying to get my broadband upgraded from 2Mb to 8Mb. Talk Talk, who had been my ISP for around 5 years at that point seemed utterly incapable of actually sorting out an upgrade path, even though they had been selling 8Mb to new customers for fucking months.

I figure that I would cut my losses and switch to a different provider, and a couple of friends of mine had switched to Orange and seemed quite happy with them. Foolishly, I took their word for it.

Moron on board!

Ok, so there I am, driving like a complete maniac, screeching from lane to lane, slamming the brakes on at the last minute and barely resisting the urge to slam right into the back of the idiot in front… when suddenly my eyes behold an icon of wisdom whose insightful warning pierces the thick veil of my subconscious and suddenly I am a reformed character, compelled to conform to the rigorous standards of social responsibility which I had previously spurned.

I mean, your fucking kidding me!

What on earth is the thinking behind these stupid fucking signs? Do people really think that some cheap piece of yellow cardboard hanging from their back windscreen is going to do anything other than create an extra blind spot in their rear view mirror?

My motivation not to run into the back of your car is to avoid damaging my own car. If I’m the kind of person who’s already driving like a maniac, I’m hardly likely to have the kind of overdeveloped sense of social responsibility required to actually be in any way influenced by your fucking sign.

Wake up to reality – the person whose driving is most likely to injure your kid is YOURS!

Dum or Bloody Dum?

When I’m working from home, sometimes I’ll put the TV on for some background noise as a change from listening to music. I find that daytime TV puts my subconscious into a perfect comatose state to allow my conscious mind to concentrate without distraction.

Anyway, almost inevitably, sooner or later whichever channel is providing my subconscious snooze-a-thon will air a rerun of a “classic” game show. Usual favourites are things like Wheel of Fortune, Family Fortunes and the who’s-your-daddy of them all, Catchphrase. It wasn’t until recently, however, that I made the stupid fucking mistake of actually watching a whole episode of Family Fortunes through over lunchtime (it was on, I was too lazy to move). As I watched I became entranced by the spectacle unfolding before my eyes and I began to wonder… where on earth do they find these people? (Not the B-List ‘celebrities’ whose train-wrecked careers have found themselves in the game show scrapyard, I mean the contestants)

Habbo Hotel: The Hangout For Fucktards.

Habbo Hotel, One of the biggest free online games their are, It’s not Runescape nor is it Soldier Front, Its a teenage version of Club Penguin really, except its not owned by Disney, Habbo is owned by Suslake, Never heard of them? Your not alone.

They first created their game in 2001, only used in the Uk and the US, Habbo eventually created a version for many countries in the world, bringing the bullshit factor too a 3, Not a bad start.

Enough of the history, Habbo is what would happen if you could create your own little Avatars on MSN and walk and talk. It sounds good, but is just shit. I will admit, I was played this game for about 3 days, I spent around £5 on this game too, I regret buying the Habbo Currency: Credits, So yes, I basically spent my money on virtually nothing.

Banks and bankers – there’s a reason it rhymes with “WANKERS”

It came as no surprise to me when i read this morning that the “conservative” government decided not to interfere with the ridiculous bonus system. As i have said in a previous post – conservatives “making the rich richer and the poor poorer”. It really takes the cake for me that the bastards largely responsible for the recession are the ones that get rewarded by being allowed to keep their bonuses.

What is a bigger slap in the face is of course the fact that it was partly public money that bailed them out. Labour were shit, but the conservatives just take the piss. Stand up and be a man Cameron, you’ve already destroyed students, taken money from the NHS and emergency services (you know, those that actually need money) now take some from the bastards that don’t need it you smug cunt.

What this government have done since coming into power is making my blood boil. the only thing they seem to be getting right is sorting out benefit cheats. their are hundreds of thousands claiming disability benefits illegally. More often than not it is the mental health side of benefit entitlement that is the culprit. Did you know for instance, that people have even written to their local mp’s in the past and convinced them to help them get written off under the “depression” clause.